On Timetravel.

So when I first had Madison, I went out to lunch with an old friend, baby with me.  Madison usually ended up being the centerpiece at a table in her little travel carseat (which was blue and yellow so I constantly had people telling me what a handsome little boy I had).  And I remember being there at this lunch and... not much of importance was talked about but they said one thing to me that highly offended me then and has stuck with me to this day... lingering in my mind like a virus.

"Motherhood strips your entire sense of identity."

Yup, me.  I was 23, a brand new mother and only a few months in at such a young age apparently I was stripped of all identity.  And being told it bluntly to my face none the less.   Maybe my sense of style (though I never had much of one) had gone down the drain in favor of spit-up stained shirts and stretch pants.  Any free moment I used to once spend with friends now spent asleep or enjoying some much wanted and needed silence.  To this day I often enjoy my time spent alone and rarely get out to see friends, feeling more awkward in a crowd than comfortable.  I was alone back then... no friends or comrades that were experiencing the same thing as me.  And that was my choice... I wanted to be a young mother.  I wanted to have all of my children before I hit 30.  But still.  ... My identity was stripped?

The past two nights I've been up all night long sitting at my TV watching Dr. Who.  Imagining a life of excitement in the universe.  The show is amazing (despite the fact I hate Martha) and I can't get enough of it. While Madison is out and Lily is distracted today I might even get an episode or two in.  So... in a lot of these episodes they're gone one night- have a lifetime of adventures and can pop back into reality the next day.  If... somehow a british alien Doctor came into NJ and swept me off my feet, taking me to travel the universe... I could leave the kids and husband for one night and go see so many things.  Come back after having the time of my life... get right back to work... could I?

Could I leave for that long?  Sure it's only seconds to them, but... I'd miss them all so much.  Maybe a daytrip here and there would be fun to unwind, but actually picking up and living a different life... even if no one would ever know.

I -love- the life I've chosen for myself.  Maybe I'm not nearly as fun as I used to be, but I'm starting to finally find people that like and appreciate me for what I've become.  I can tell someone 'long day- exhausted' despite the fact that I hardly even left the house and they get it.  Do I sometimes dream about a life where I can... be in tons of pictures on facebook of me hugging my insanely huge group of friends... or eating at some exotic restaurant in another country (or another time)... of course I do.  But- ... even if no one would ever be the wiser, I couldn't give all this up.  I'd miss it too much.

So, maybe I'm not fun anymore and all I've got interesting going for me are intense Dr. Who marathons and awesome Sunday evenings spent with the few friends from my past I've got left- but fuck it.  It's awesome.  I haven't lost a thing.  I get to see my girls grow and watch them climb every little hill.  And when they're all grown up and don't have time for me anymore?  Well- hey.  I'll be much younger than anyone else when they're at that stage.  And it'll never be too late to start having my adventures.

And yet- despite the fact I know I love my life and things won't always be like this... it still lingers.  "Motherhood strips all sense of identity."  I'll still have my days where I feel like I'm missing out.  I think most of my blog entries are about it.  ... Even unposted ones that are in my 'private' folder (I haven't been completely inactive, just no one needs to see me whine and complain).  ... so I guess those are the days where Mike yells at me for staying up until 4:30 in the morning watching a new show.  Excitement is few and far between sometimes.  Gotta take it where I can get it.  :)

On Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

So I've noticed that people have been looking at me... different.  I don't know why, maybe it's the plethora of things I've done to transform myself over the past few months to attempt to be the woman that I want to be.  The things I've done for me, not for anyone else.  Chopping my hair off because I don't give a fuck if someone thinks I look like a lesbian, since I hate hair on the back of my neck in the summer.  The nose piercing I got that I've wanted since I was thirteen years old.

There were so many things I had waited for when I was younger.  "When I turn eighteen..."  Since that was the age, right?  The age where you can do it all?  I still wasn't a woman when I was eighteen.  I wasn't my own person.  I didn't start to hit that until recently.  I do what I think is beautiful and if someone doesn't like it... I fail to see how that's my problem.  I had a friend back then that I unfortunately don't speak to much anymore, but I remember him and I would talk about all of the things I wanted to do.  We were on AOL chat and I was upset that I had bought a pair of neon pink leopard print pants and my mother was insanely against them.  They looked good on me, but they were 'weird' and therefore, I wasn't allowed to wear them.  I remember he said to me, "Scoobs- I can't wait until you turn eighteen."  I was supposed to transform into the punk rock awesome tatted pierced thing that I'm starting to turn into today.  And no- I'm not just getting a bunch of shit on me for the hell of it.  I get what's important.  I've been itching for some more ink, but without the perfect idea I won't touch it.  It took me almost ten years after my eighteenth birthday to gather the courage to finally pierce my nose, something I wanted to do since I was twelve.

Meda, my leading lady
of 13 years.

My latest... idea... would be just for me.  A tattoo somewhere that no one would see it (other than my husband, naturally.)  And I want it to say "Let Your Freak Flag Fly."  Whatever that may be for anyone- I think it's something that we should all be proud of and embrace.  If Madison ever tells me she wants to wear neon pink leopard print pants?  YOU GO GIRL!  Wear those pants.  And when the fashion statement is over and done with ten years from then, we'll take the picture album out and show your boyfriends.  I want my daughters to be strong, independent women.  I want to teach them that it's ok not to be normal.  Because I have -never- been 'normal.'  And I'm just now finally coming to actual terms with it.  Everyone knew it.  I just... wanted people to like me.  To fit in.  But you know what?  I love my nose.  I love my tattoos.  I love playing my fantasy games where I RP a Mother Gothel look alike crazy woman that raises the dead and has an addiction to vivisection.

But I want balance- at the same time I don't want them to think that just because I'm not 'normal' they can't do typical things.  They wanna... be cheerleaders, or sports players or... popular girls.  Go for it.  Just be kind, be truthful and be awesome.  I have this... vision in my head of how I want my relationship to be with my girls and it seems extremely hard and probably unattainable, but I'm going to damn well try to find the perfect balance between being their parent and being their friend... and meanwhile, supporting them without driving them to snort coke.  Is this possible?  I hope so.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
                 -Dr. Seuss

On Jerking Off Reindeers

Since people seemed to like the story of my awkward childhood first kiss, I figured I'd dig up another little gem from my past and share that story too.  It's a story I never really shared with people, since at the time I probably could have gotten in a lot of trouble with the police.  This one is staring my lovely departed friend Hallie.  We used to do some dumb things in our time.

We were in highschool and sitting downtown at the clock, a place where many of the 'delinquents' would frequent after school/into the night.  It was near Christmas, so the town had a reindeer and sled display out where people could sit and take pictures.  Hallie and I got a kick out of the 'Please keep off the reindeer' sign that they had next to it.  ... So amused by it that it was up to us to make the sign even better.

We waited for our parents to go to sleep that night and at about two in the morning on a school night, the two of us snuck out of our houses and took a little walk downtown.  We went, took the sign and brought it back to her house where we would alter it.  The word 'keep' was whited out and replaced with the word 'jerk' and then we'd go back downtown and put the sign back where it was and leave.  The next day after school we'd casually walk downtown and sit at the clock watching people walk by.  One by one everyone hanging out would start to notice that the sign was changed to "Please Jerk Off the Reindeer" and it became the funniest thing of the day.  Eventually, the police would come and break up the scene around the sign and take it away only to return it later on with the white-off chipped off so that it wasn't asking people to jerk off the reindeer anymore.

The next night, being the dumb kids we were, we went and did it again.  We were probably really lucky that we weren't caught.  We even took pictures of us squatting by the sign giving a thumbs up laughing our butts off. She had the pictures though, so I can't exactly put one on here.  They're in her photo albums, I'd have to go ask her mother if I could copy one.  I could have sworn that I had one around somewhere.  I'll look for it and share it if I ever find it.

... Hallie and I used to do lots of dumb things, but it was always super fun and awesomely hilarious.

On First Kisses

So, I was at Target and I was walking in the parking lot with Madison when I saw the guy that was my first kiss walking the opposite way into the store.  I lifted my hand to give a friendly wave hello, but he didn't see me or recognize me.  One of the two.  Or he did and was like, "UGH, I REMEMBER WHEN YOU DUMPED ME ON YOM KIPPOR!"  I'm sorry!  I forgot you were jewish and didn't realize that's why we didn't have school!

Let's talk about my first kiss.

It was a Friday evening.  Seventh grade.  Middle School!  We were at Lincoln School at the REC center for Friday Night activities.  The people that ran REC were kind of dumb... the first week and they never explained the rules to us, so they just kept kicking people out on first offences instead of actually telling us what we were and weren't allowed to do.  So eventually, the entire seventh grade class was just standing outside in the parking lot waiting for our parents to show up and take us home.  Two girls I didn't really know yet came up to me and asked if I was interested in kissing someone.  I wasn't, but they didn't really seem to care and went and grabbed this guy K.B. (#1) from our class and was like, "Here!  She wants to make out with somebody!"  I didn't- and when he started beckoning for me to follow him behind a car I didn't follow him.  That was kinda grody!  Just making out with someone I didn't know?  And I hadn't yet- so that was even crazier!

The girls came back,  "Oh, so he's not your type?  Hmm..."  They disappeared again and soon enough J.H. was brought over and shoved at me.  He had a charming smile even for being so young and asked, "So, I heard you wanted to make out."  I opened my mouth to start to tell him no when all of the sudden next thing I knew he was on my face and his tongue was in my mouth.  I was dipped back, arms flailing as he did this and I had no clue what to do so I just kind of went with it.  Next thing I know I hear, "LINDSEY SCHOONMAKER IS MAKING OUT WITH J.H.!!!" (screamed by the lovely M.T.).  So, -everyone- in the seventh grade class turned to watch.  Lovely.  I was so embarassed.  I remember T.S. cheering for joy.  He was my childhood crush and he had NO interest in me.  I was finally over him, it seemed.

It must not have been that bad though because he asked me if I wanted to again and I said ok and went for it.  We dated for a solid two weeks and four days after that.  Until... for absolutely no reason I came to the conclusion that he was not the one for me and had a friend call him on our day off from school to break his seventh grade heart on my behalf.  I always felt bad about that.  (Sorry J., if you ever read this.)  Shortly after that I dated K.B. (#2), and then when he broke up with me because (and I quote) I'm "too weird" (No hard feelings!) my date-ability just went downhill.  That might be when I transitioned from being a 'cool kid' to a 'nerd.'

... Interesting story, eh?  I wish I remembered who the girls were.  A blonde and a brunette.   Maybe they'd know.  ... I doubt it- haha.  Funny how people probably don't even realize the part they played in stories that stick with you your whole life.

On New Things.

So, yesterday I took Madison to the child neurologist to see if they'd have anything to say about her behaviors. So far we are pretty sure she'll have an ADHD diagnosis with inattention when she's older, likely with Auditory Processing, but they can't really give her any official diagnosis until she's older with that.  They wrote up a form with things for her IEP so that she can keep as many services as she can.  So far it looks like she's losing speech.  She passed with flying colors.

The doctor also told me to start giving Madison melatonin at night since Madison doesn't go to bed until 12 usually, despite our efforts to get her to sleep earlier.  She lives on about 3 hours of sleep which isn't very healthy at all.  We started giving her the melatonin and now she's falling asleep by 8:30 and sleeping through the night.  Our bed has been Madisonless in the morning.  It's kind of fantastic.  Good stuff!!

I'm very excited for next Saturday.  Mike and I are going out on our first REAL date since... likely well before Lily was born.  Our first entire night out since we went to a wedding... uhh.  August in 2010.  So... yeah.  It's about time.  Not that I don't ever want to go out, but... well.  I don't get asked to leave my house a lot and Mike and I haven't ever used a babysitter so I'm nervous about it.

I started a new blog and a new diet.  You guys should head over to www.2fatties1rack.com to check it out.  The URL is creepy, but it's not a bad site!  I swear.  :)

Ok- I was going to blog more, but I just realized I have 20 minutes to get in the car so I can be at personal training on time.  ... Let's see if I'm getting two children and myself ready in 20 minutes.

On learning and working.

This blog is annoying to write today since my laptop was covered with a blanket by my cleaning ladies and now it's making this loud WHIIIIIIIR noise and lagging like mad.  Something in it overheated.  Sending it in to get repaired tonight but in the meantime, I'll write this dealing with the lag.  (I'm desperate to be connected!)

So I was just sitting here watching Lily become fascinated with this little leapster learn and grow table that we bought Madison for Christmas a few years ago.  Madison back then didn't see any use for the table other than climbing and standing on it to further injure her already delayed brainmeats as she tumbled down.  Lily on the other hand carefully looks at each component of the table and plays with it, getting very excited when she discovers something new that it can do.  Lily has already passed many of Madison's 'baby milestones' and it's just really interesting to see how she differs.  Madison was more... movement oriented.  Walked early, was able to climb and jump and do all sorts of crazy physical things at a very young age.  While Lily still refuses to walk, her vocabulary (while still limited) is much further than Madison's was at this point.  And the fact that she's actually interested in the table for its purpose is awesome to me.  Who know that kids actually used these educational toys in the purpose that they were meant to be used?

I on the other hand have been making NO progress with anything that I'm supposed to be doing.  My laptop has been out of commission for about a week now other than logging on to blog when I get desperate, but anything else I attempt to do on it just makes me mad and I give up.  I'm supposed to be writing a blog article for Quirk Books, but I haven't even started any serious work on it other than my notes.  It's hard with no computer.  I could use Mike's but that requires leaving my children alone and I don't like to do that in favor of using the computer.  Not sure if I'm being weird about that.

Anyway- in hindsight my time while Madison was at school probably would have been better spent with my eyes closed taking a nap, but Lily didn't nap so I'm sure maybe I can get away with taking one when we get home.  I love falling asleep to the sweet sound of people doing our lawn for us because we aren't THAT domestic and fail at doing it ourselves.  Today is a cold day, but a good day.  Yes, yes a good day.

On Starting Early.

I see on facebook a lot now a days that people are just now getting engaged, married, having kids.  Mike and I already have a four and one year old.

I think about these crazy weddings that people throw. I'm not hating on the crazy wedding.  I'm somewhat jealous in my own little way because my husband and I decided to keep things modest and not have a circus for our special day.  Sometimes I just wish people would have taken us more seriously.  No bridal shower with gifts of kitchen appliances or anything.  I never even registered everywhere.  Which... was actually great.  My wedding was about me being happy with getting married- not wondering what plates we were going to be gifted with.  Of course I was told because we had a small wedding, we'd have a big housewarming party the first time we bought a house, but I'm still waiting for that, haha.  We've been here two years.  At this point, we got what we need.  No engagement party.  No one gave a shit that we got engaged when we were nineteen.  No pictures or newspaper announcements.  Our kids weren't baptized so no extra parties for them.

I never even asked for these sorts of parties or wanted these sorts of parties.  I don't care about the gifts.  I don't want the gifts.  But- at times... it feels like because I wasn't a bridezilla, or wasn't wanting to have anything flashy, or even because we were so young no one really took us seriously.  We didn't rent grand halls to celebrate things.  We just lived simply.  And I think because of this friends fell out of touch because their lives were still in 'party mode' and I was pregnant with Madison three months after we got married.  Honestly?  I had a lot of friends at the time.  Little to none of them gave a crap that I was having a baby and just... disappeared.  One even told their mother (which was relayed to my mother later on) that I wasn't any fun anymore.  Apologies for not wanting to show up at a bar pregnant.  That's just tacky.

People just seem to get more love an acceptance now over these 'big life events' because... well honestly, lots of people have matured.  While our events went hardly noted and quite honestly, even 'dissed' in private.  We have a beautiful life right now and I wouldn't change a thing, but it's hard to admit that I do get jealous of the raving that others seem to get now that they're starting to catch up, like it's more socially acceptable now to be happy that someone is settling down whether it be by having a kid, or getting married.  No one really raved for me, which was fine becuase I was still just as happy.  Just now thinking back- it's kind of a bummer sometimes.

On Not Blogging...

So the past two weeks I've either been sick or been dealing with lots of sick people.  First Madison got sick, which was no big deal.  ... Until Lily got it.  And Mike was away on a business trip and so I had to deal with the two of them being sick all week.  And -then- when Mike finally got home he got sick within 12 hours of walking through the door.  So then I had to deal with the girls myself more after already having gone crazy and slept every possible second I could.  Today is the first day where I actually have energy to think of something other than wanting to sleep, and... gotta be honest, I think I'd rather be napping.

I have so many projects I'd like to start, or projects I'd like to finish and I don't really do much of anything at all.  Maybe one of these days I'll get my shit together and actually go through with all of the things I promised myself that I was going to do, like get back into this blogging and start taking more pictures.

This weekend we're going out to Long Island for my father-in-law's birthday.  I'm hoping that one of the nights that we're there we can go out and do something.  It's been awhile since the two of us have had a child-free night out of the house.  ... actually, I think it's been over a year since we've had a child-free night out of the house.  We don't get out much.  I'm looking up movies and the only one that looks interesting at all is This Means War.  Got great reviews from people that saw it, but horrible reviews from critics.  At this point I'd sit through War and Peace on the big screen to have a moment out of the house with nothing to think about other than the story.

Been really into roleplaying in what free time I do have recently.  I find that the text based RP keeps my creative self going and helps me interact, which I don't do often with the kids all day- especially when they're both home sick for a week.  Helps me cope with the fact that I'm a slave to youngin's.

You know what I can't wait to do some day?  ... Sleep.

That'll be the best day of my life.

Here's a video of Lily being adorable.

On Tough Choices

Tali enjoying what little we have of the 'great outdoors' in
our home.  ... little does she know the plant is a fake!

So I posted a few weeks ago in one of my first entries about the kittens that Mike and I acquired through stealing them from the mother who birth to them under our deck.  We ended up with two of them in our house, and they didn't like us all that much.  I was fine with it going, "Ohh, they'll come around."  Well, Tali had a few lumps in her belly, so I brought her to the vet afraid that she somehow got pregnant at such a young age.  They assured me that she wasn't pregnant, but they were swollen nipples and I should separate her and the other cat immediately so they didn't have little Lannister incest babies.


So, Scrappy goes in our room and we let her run around the house with Ramus.  Scrappy hides in our room all day anyway.  ... Scrappy is going to have to stay in there for weeks until they can get fixed.  ... That's not fair to Scrappy.

So- this is when we have to make tough choices.  Tali is -such- a purr/cuddle monster now that her scaredy cat brother isn't there to hold her back anymore.  Even as I write this she's curled up in my lap purring away like a damn motorboat.  Ramus has once again become unfamiliar with him and was hissing at the door earlier.  I let him in so Scrappy could get some companionship.  Ramus ate his food and left his 'mark of dominance' and that was that.  I was not pleased.  Ramus doesn't act like that with Tali at all.

So... I called the shelter.  I'm going to be bringing him there so that he can get adopted out.  I feel awful that I tried and couldn't get this cat to love us like we wanted to love him.  I'm angry that Ramus lashes out the way he does at him and if Scrappy actually wanted to be with us and love us, I'd send the dominate jerk away.  But, Ramus isn't like that with a female cat in the house and Scrappy isn't liking us at all, content to just sleep underneath a recliner all day.  Tali's doing so much better now that he's not around... and he's just a sweet adorable little kitten.  Never hurt anyone.  Sweet when you can actually get him to let you near him.  Just a kitten, but he's causing so many problems that we're forced to send him packing.  Poor guy.  It makes me feel terrible.

But, I look down at the sweet and purring Tali curled up in my lap at this late hour keeping me company and keeping me warm, and I appreciate the fact that for once I have a cat that's MINE and loves ME.  Ramus is totally Mike's cat.  And I know that some people might be reading this thinking, "GET RID OF THE FUCKING CATS!"  But I LOVE cats.  ... I love every kind of cat.  (I'd be a lesbian for Debbie if she wasn't so obsessed with running...)

Tali's even good with the kids.  She lets Madison pet her and doesn't get mad if Madison is rough and she even let Lily go after her earlier.  Lily grabbed her a bit too hard and she didn't nip or anything, just walked away.  Tali is a keeper.  ... I love my little Tali.  Her and her freakish handpaws.

... It's almost 3am.  A pity that the one time I do get inspiration to write again, it's way past my bedtime and I shouldn't be awake.

Which also reminds me of... 

This website that'll tell anyone EXACTLY how I function in a funnier way than I could ever describe it.

On nothing to say...

See?  Already dropped the ball with my plan to blog on a daily/semi daily basis.  It's been over a week since I last wrote, having nothing to say that was interesting at all.  Though, I've been feeling particularly lazy and tired recently because I've been alone with the kids a lot.  Mike's been traveling and there's only more traveling in his future, which is fine.  I really don't mind, but by the end of the day after I'm done with the kids I just want to sit and do nothing but watch movies mindlessly.  Haven't picked up a book, anything.

This is how interesting life has been:  The most exciting I've got going for me is the fact that today I'm going to attempt to buy a few pairs of pants.  I bought some a few months ago, but two were skinny jeans and... to be honest I'm kind of sick of skinny jeans.  Just need a pair or two that have a flare leg.

I can tell, the detail into which I go into buying pants at Marshall's is making you randy.

On the Kids.

Lily is so little in this pic!!

Don't get me wrong- I love my kids.  But doesn't it sound like a great idea to put them on the front lawn with a sign around their necks saying "Great Condition- $25" sometimes?

I'd totally ask for a solid $25 for Lily (I could probably get $50 if she was solely breastfed, but alas... that didn't work out).  Madison... maybe they could talk me down to $20.  She's kind of hyper and won't eat anything but cheese sandwiches.  My brother in law asked me once what she survives off of.  The first two things that came to my head were, "adrenaline and dreams."

Mike's in Miami until Wednesday and I'm left by my lonesome with the children.  I'm going to have to make a lot of playdates or something to keep me sane.  We had a playdate last night with a little boy in her class, Matthew.  It went well the entire time (I love his mom.  We apparently have a crapton in common that I never knew.  It was a great time) until the last 20 minutes where the kids got tired and got into some horrific screaming match with each other.  There were punched faces and black eyes and it just wasn't pretty.  They sounded like an old married couple.  In love one moment, hollering the next.  We made them hug and despite that Madison kept huffing and crossing her arms on the steps saying she had to cool off because she was so angry.  A great time though- we'll just have to wait to see if they're still mad at each other in school today.  I plan on warning her teachers beforehand.

I'm going in early today for a meeting with her teacher Ms. Edwards.  She's a super nice teacher and I love her to bits, but I feel like I've been flaking out this year just a little bit and she's going to call me out on it.  For example, last week I was completely thrown off on what day it was and for some reason I thought we were always a day behind.  So when Friday came and it was time to hand in homework I didn't have her homework in the folder.  We always DO it.  I dunno.  I feel busy.  I'm not all that busy.  ... Well, I am.  I've never been good with school at all and I'm having this terrible feeling it's reflecting on Madison.  It's just pre-k though so I'm sure I'm just psyching myself out.  I just really don't want her to struggle the same way I did.  We'll see how the meeting today goes.

Lily is so squirmy.  All she wants to do are things she's not supposed to do.  She wants to go where I don't want her to go, touch what I don't want her to touch.  I don't remember Madison being so squirmy.  Madison would just touch toys- wouldn't bother with anything else.  That might be because we didn't have anything to bother with though now that I think about it...  I'm not used to this!  I've only got two hands- it's hard to keep her in line!  Especially with how much of a nut Madison has become.  I feel bad resorting to my pack and play a lot.  I take her out as much as possible when I have full time to dedicate to keeping an eye on her.  She crawls around like a madwoman and I'm pretty sure she's going to figure out the walking thing soon.

Speaking of children- I should get them ready for school.  Madison's sitting on the couch wearing a penguin towel she refuses to take off.  She somehow thinks it's acceptable to go to school wearing nothing but a towel.  ... I'm going to have a lovely few days.

On Inspiration.

You ever sit around for years and years waiting for your muse to kick in, only to find it's not coming anytime soon?

I want to write so bad.  I even started a novel that Michael thinks is hilarious.

Unfortunately any spare time I have is spent vegging out on the couch like a zombie, or mindlessly killing things on WoW.  The kids are exhausting.

Of course... I am writing this... I could write something else?  ... nah.

The only thing I feel inspired to do is take a nap.  (Aren't you so glad you're reading this?)

I do know that I feel most inspired to write when I read, and I haven't really been doing any reading recently.  I suppose it's the fail part of owning a nook.  If you don't charge it, you don't read.  It's been sitting in my bag for weeks uncharged.  My friend Angela was nice enough to send me some books that I really want to read.  I just need to stand up and grab the cord to plug everything in.  ... I'll do that now.

And this folks, is the beauty of blogging.  I actually got my cord and nook.  And they're plugged in and waiting to go.  Though, during that time I also had to bathe some children and make food.  ... This is why I can never get anything done.  Even this short blog entry has been open for over an hour waiting for me to finish it.

... and now I see there's something horribly wrong with my nook. The light is green for fully charged and it's been plugged in for 15 minutes.  That's not right.

And look at that- the books I got sent don't work.  I need to convert them to PDF's and that always screws with formatting.  ... THIS IS MY LIIIIIFE!

www.girlswithslingshots.com

Girls With Slingshots is one of the greatest things ever.  I've been a comics fan for as long as I could remember.  Calvin and Hobbes was one of the many things that made Sundays awesome.  My mom would buy the Far Side Gallery books and I'd go nuts over them.  Thanks to the internet, now I can get a daily dose of comics.  I link this specific one today since it reminds me of Mike.  It makes me realize that his workers probably hate him about 90% of the time.  "HEY GUYS IT'S 9:15!  LET'S HAVE A GREAT DAY!"  

I always thought about writing my own webcomic, but I lack something called artistic talent (drawing wise, anyway).  All of the artists I know are busy doing their own little things and I doubt would have any interest. I do have one project in the works with the artist that worked on Mike's christmas present.  I just completely flaked since I can't find the cord for my external HD and can't get the files I've already written to her.  ... There's something else to be proactive about today.

And because of one blog entry, I've become inspired to do a few things today.  ... All of them involving me actively finding cords.  

And- as a send-off.  A list of webcomics that I read.

Girls With Slingshots

Least I Could Do

Oglaf (Usually VERY nsfw.)
All New Issues

These are the comics that have stuck with me.  There are more that I've browsed and are good, but somehow haven't been added to my daily check.

Barely Listening - This was in my weekly rotation until they stopped updating.  It's a good idea to read what's up there though.  It's pretty great.
Looking For Group - Being the huge nerd I am, I always expected to get into this one.  Unfortunately I never have enough time to get through the entire thing so I'm all caught up so I get like... 30 comics in and give up.  If you have the time though check it out.  It's good.
Something Positive - Another comic I've read some of, but not all of.  One day I'll get through it and all caught up.
Sheldon - This one is good!  I keep forgetting to put it in my bookmarks bar though so I forget it exists until times like these.

Revamps.

So, for the past few months I've been wanting to completely revamp Madison's room.  This want was multiplied recently when she stopped sleeping in her room.  She kept telling us she didn't like it.  So, now it's bright pink and we went out and bought her a brand new awesome bed.  I'm working on fixing it up, so it's not able to be taken pictures of yet.  I'll def. post them though when I have the room ready.  I hope by tomorrow I finish setting everything up.



The day after Christmas my friends Marco and PT helped me fix up Mike's office upstairs.  It was Madison's old room when we first moved in, so it was very mish mash as an office and the walls were mint chocolate chip green.  Here are some pics:

Pretty awful, right?  Well- after two days of painting, building, and drilling, we came up with this:
(Click the pics to see them bigger!)

 Doesn't it look awesome?!  Took a lot of work and a delirious trip to Ikea (thanks to Marco- for without him the final result wouldn't have looked nearly this awesome...)

Right now I have so much extra furniture.  I've got Madison's old bed... I should keep it just incase, but I've got so much stuff in my house I kind of just want it out.  I'm sure I could sell it on Craig's List or something.  I've also got Mike's old desk which is in perfect condition.  I just hate when people say they'll come pick this stuff up.  I don't like people in my house that I don't know.  And I'm sure as hell not carrying it out for them.

Anyway- off to finish up my house.  I got a new mattress and pillow for us the other day too.  I love the memory foam mattress... but the pillow- not so much.  I think I need to return it.  My neck is killing me.  :(  That could also be the fact I painted Madison's room by myself in 3 hours.  ... Maybe one of these days I'll be able to sit and relax.

Friday the Thirteenth.

I used to think I had terrible luck on Friday the Thirteenth.  Then I realized that the reason I tripped and fell that one time breaking my Grateful Dead necklace was because I was a) clumsy and b) was being punished for wearing a dead-bear when I had never listened to a Grateful Dead song.  ... I still haven't to this day.

Then today... well, today has been good so far.  Nothing in my house has flooded.  Lily just took the most epic nap -ever- that she's still taking (she's been asleep since ten... she's just starting to wake up now at 1:30.)  Tonight I'm going to get super fat and make my mom's 4 cheese mac and cheese.  I used my googlefu to find the recipe.  Having good friends over.  Can't go wrong.

And... there's going to be yet ANOTHER Friday the 13th in 3 months.  Lily's first birthday will be on Friday the 13th, so it can't be all that bad.

Not sure what I should do for her birthday this year... what do you do for a one year old?  It's not like she's got friends to invite or anything.  For Madison it was easy- we just had a BBQ- but it likely won't be very warm in April.  Maybe I'll just have a dinner at my house.  I can do that.

Someone today on facebook brought up the topic of 'holier than thou' moms.  AKA- bitch moms.  ... I have certainly encountered some of these recently.  Not some.  One or two.  I try not to be a bitch mom.  I have been known to 'vent' over some things, or blantantly call people stupid when they're doing something obviously awful.  I'm a firm believer in we all know what's best for our kid.  ... There are sometimes where that can go too far though.  A parent can firmly believe that dunking their kid in the toilet will get them immune to germs and that's a bit too far.  I was super pro-breastfeeding with Madison, but I can understand why it's not for everyone and I won't bash someone that can't/doesn't want to do it.  Some people let their kids cry it out.  Some parents don't.  I won't say any one way is right or wrong.  There are known benefits to both.  Anyone that will put someone down for doing it their way is obviously a big meanie.  I mean- there are parents that do things that I -really- don't agree with, but I don't tell them that.  Maybe if it's brought up in a flowing 2 person conversation I'll ask about it or something, but never blatantly tell them that they're doing it wrong.

I just wrote out a huge rant about a mom that blatantly told me I'm doing something wrong (according to her pediatrician) and then three weeks later ranted about how she wasn't going to listen to her pediatrician about something (something that is a health risk for her kid if she doesn't listen).  But- I'll skip the rant.  Some mothers just like to think that they have all of the answers and aren't afraid to tell you and blow off other's suggestions.

None of us have all of the answers.  And to quote GlaDOS- We do what we must, because we can.  And here's a huge nerdgasm moment- I found this gem while looking for the song... if only the people would stfu so we could hear Felicia!!

I need to go back to stalking Holly on facebook now.  Peace out.

Mastering the Meatcake

Over the years, I've been attempting to perfect the meatcake that's found on this site here:  Black Widow Bakery

Here are some pictures of the meatcakes.

The first meatcake.  I made it real quick.  It was a good start.

Marco said, "Chives!"  So here are chives.  This meatcake was
dubbed my 'best meatcake ever.'  It gets -better.-

Inside of that dericious meatcake.

My next idea.  Loaded mashed potatoes for
the outside.  This was by far one of my
greatest ideas ever.  I also upped the meat
quality.  93% lean.  It made the meatcake
all the better.

Again, this was also dubbed my 'best meatcake ever.'  This
one has sour cream mixed with scallions, then piped
decoratively on the cake.  The mixture made it have a new zing
that wasn't achieved with the ingredients separately.  

So, do you want to know how I make my delicious meatcake?  Here you go:

• 3lb 93% lean beef.  You don't HAVE to use lean beef, but it does make a difference in the taste.
• 2 Eggs
• 2 cups italian bread crumbs
• 1 pack lipton onion soup mix
• 1 box (2 packages) Betty Crocker Loaded Mashed Potato mix
• 16oz Sour Cream
• Scallions (a few to chop up)
• Chives 
• 1 1/2 Cups Shredded Cheese I use cheddar, but you might want to mix it up.
• 3/4 cup Ketchup
• 1/4 cup Light Brown Sugar

Meat:

Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees.  In a large bowl, mix the beef, eggs, bread crumbs and soup mix.  Throw some of the scallions in there if you'd like.  Mix it all together evenly and then split it into two or three, depending on how many layers you want.  Put them into rounded cake pans.  Then place pans in oven for about 30-35 minutes.

To top this lovely creation:

• Make potatoes according to the directions on the box.  
• Chop up the scallions and mix them in with the sour cream.  If you want to pipe the mixture on in a decorative way, cut the end off of a plastic bag and put the mixture in it.  No piping bags needed here!
• Mix the Ketchup with the Light Brown Sugar.  

1. Meat on Plate
2. Spoon on the Ketchup Mix
3. 1/2 cup of cheese
4. Meat*                               *Steps 4-6 if you're using three layers of meat.  Otherwise, skip to 7.
5. Ketchup Mix*
6. 1/2 cup Cheese*
7. Meat
8. Mashed Potatoes
• I find that the best way to apply the potatoes to the cake is to put on some latex/vinyl gloves and to press the potatoes on.  It's much more efficient than using a knife and it'll get into all of the little cracks and creases.  That way you don't need to waste meat by cutting off the edges and you'll still have a nice round cake.
9. Toppings any way you see fit.  
• Sour Cream Mix
• Ketchup Mix
• Chives
• Cheddar Cheese

This easily feeds six people.  It's not super expensive, and it's really neat!  It's become a birthday tradition at my house.

Photo by PT Fernicola

Next time I plan on using food coloring and piping on words with the mashed potatoes too.  I think that'll be pretty neat.  I did that on one of the meatcakes, but I can't find the picture of it.  I'll be sure to update you fine folks when I get to it though.  I'm guessing this'll be for Marco's birthday in March.  We look awful in this picture btw.

Have a good idea for my meatcake?  Feel free to post in the comments.  :)

On Writing.

It's so hard to be original now-a-days.  For example, I had an idea called Mother Zombie that I wanted to do for so long.  I started writing it.  I made a blog for it.  Advertised it on my twitter.  I didn't have the follow-through with it though.  Now, I go on facebook and since then someone has done the same exact thing.  I'm thinking of doing it again now, but expanding it.  I pitched the idea to a few people to get some artistic help.  We'll see how it goes.

I also pitched an idea for a professional blog to get paid on.  Not a ton of money, but a little money is better than no money.  Also, if I get some experience under my belt I'm sure I can turn it into a career, having two blogs (one personal, one professional) to put on a resume.  Get more work elsewhere.  Blogging is something I was always interested in, but with the kids never felt I have the time.  For example, look.  I didn't post for the last two days.  Way to go me.

It's hard to think of ideas that aren't already done.  The internet makes things so available that I feel that there's not much room for original thought anymore.  Even if it is original, it's so easy to find out that fifty people already had the same idea as you which would make it seem like you copied.  I've always wanted to be 'internet famous' since I don't have much to offer off of the internet, but it seems that other than being well-known in a few roleplaying communities it's going to be very hard to get something going for me.

I've thought of a few ideas.  Maybe one of these days I'll be able to get the ball rolling.

Anniversaries, Aggrivations and Drunk Texts.

I'd like to give a shout out to my hubby today.  We met nine years ago today.  It was pretty awesome.  Pretty crazy too.  I feel old.  You'd think that maybe the fact I've got a four year old would do that.

We went out to dinner last night with the family to celebrate my mom's birthday.  Lily went -nuts- eating my mom's salad.  Salad.  It was hilarious.  Was crying the entire time.  Give her some lettuce and she's good.

Aggrivations.  You know what's aggrivating?  Being blown off.  It's happened way too often the past year or so.  Don't waste my time.  Please.  So done with it.  I'm nice.  I'm forgiving.  But I'm at the end of my rope when it comes to it.  I'm not taking kindly to people taking advantage of that forgiving nature.  I'm only going to wait around for so long before I say fuck it and move on.  Shape up before I'm gone.  Unless you want that.  Then just let me know now so I can stop dwelling over it.

We'll end this little post on a funny note.  Drunk texts from PT.

Thankfully PT was a good girl and didn't drive home drunk.   You should all learn from this example.  Don't drive drunk, kay?!

Also, Avatar is so 3 years ago, PT.  You should really change your AIM icon.  <3

On the Internet.

Facebook:
I love Facebook. It lets me show things to people and connect with them in a way that I likely wouldn't otherwise. There are things I hate though.

• When people post about nothing other than things about their significant other. We get it. You love them. They're friggin' great. Where'd your personality and anything else you had to say go?
• When people post pictures of food that isn't epic. I don't care about your pasta and veggies. Been there. Done that. Make a God damn meatcake and we'll talk.
• When people check-in at their own house on a daily basis. Yay! You woke up in your own bed! Do you have a problem where you usually don't?  I actually hate all check-in features, but this is the worst of the offenses.  
• When people get political on one of my status updates.  Got a problem?  Put it on your own fking wall.  If you want to debate something, PM me or something.  Don't start a 'holier than thou' argument on my page.  ESPECIALLY on pictures of my kids.  Can you believe people have done this before?  Started arguments on pictures of my children.  Fuck off.
• Stalking.  Apparently sometimes when someone remembers just how awesome I am, they feel the need to stalk me.  Yes, I guess at one point in time we used to talk, but it was over ten years ago and now I don't really know or care who you are.  I friended you to catch up, but I can't be your bff.  A perfect example is who I'm talking about here. Luckily I haven't run into THAT much drama since, but I'm sure I will.
• People that over-post about their wedding.  Tell me you're getting married.  Show me some pics of things you've picked out.  I'm happy for you!  But your wedding is not the center of the universe.  Especially if you've got over a year until you're even having it.  Let's limit it to one post every 3 days, if not longer. You know I once posted on someone's page that their wedding date was the same date as mine and the day we brought home Madison.  I pointed this out since I thought it was cool!  A conversation starter.  Something in common.  They deleted my post and de-friended me.  NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE HAPPY THINGS ON THAT DAY.  (Get over yourself.)

I think that's about it.  Other than that Facebook is pretty cool.  I like catching up with  people that I've known at one point in my life.  I like showing off my kids.  I like knowing things about people that I otherwise wouldn't have known.

You know what I can't wait to hear?  "I HATE PEOPLE THAT POST LINKS TO THEIR BLOG AND SPAM PICTURES OF THEIR KIDS."  

RP Universes:

This is a nerd-tangent.  If you're not a RPer you might not get why I even care.  I've got a friend.  I used to talk to them on a daily basis.  Now, not as much.  It's fine.  I'd like to talk more, but hey.  Life happens.  I give little updates here and there with what's going on with me.  Now I've linked them to my blog so they can read if they want.  They tell me -nothing- about them.  Nothing.  Won't tell me what they're going to school for.  Won't tell me what they're -doing- at night if they're going out.  It's so weird.  Like I'm going to go stalk them.  I've been talking to this person over a year.  I want to know them.  I want to be their friend.  It's hard to keep caring and keep updating though when it's so one sided.  I don't want it to be one sided.  And they're highly entertaining and I have a ton of fun with them.  If it weren't for them I likely wouldn't have gotten my muse back after I had lost it for a long time.  Is it so horrible to want to actually be friends?  That's part of my problem with friendships on and off the internet recently.  I want people more than they want me.

Funny pictures:

There is an overabundance of hilarious pictures and videos on the internet right now.  I feel the need to share some of them with you.

Oh Jesus Christ... FENTON!!!

I am a cat lover... and I love to run!

http://www.someecards.com/

A lot of these are hilarious.

First comes love...

There's a lot of talk recently on facebook.  Lots of people getting engaged.  Married.  Having their first child.  Then I look at my family and see just how far we've come.  My oldest is going to be turning FIVE this year. My second is going to be one.  I always wonder if we rushed or if we should have been 'young' longer.  But I like the way things went.  Our life is pretty great.  

We met and dated...

Traveled back and forth on trains for years...

Got engaged when we were nineteen.

Made funny Christmas cards.

Got married when we were 21.
(We were classy.)

Got pregnant three months later.

Had our first child...

Watched her grow...

Bought our first house...

Got preggo again...

And here we all are...

A happy family.

The only problem with this is once I start seeing the pictures of the cute new babies on facebook I'm going to want a new cute baby.  I blame Kirsten, a girl I went to HS with for Lily.  I saw pictures of her cute little boy and was like, "OMG I WANT ANOTHER."  Mike's pretty adamant on not having more though.  Haha.

Mental Breakdowns, children, and Happy Birthday PTPTPT.

I found this POG under my sofa
while looking for my keys.  Ironic!

 Who the hell loses their keys twice in one week, right when they have to get their kid to school?  ... Oh right, that's me.


To begin this story, we go back in time.  On Monday I went to get the keys to my car to bring Madison to school and they weren't on the keyrack, not in my coat.  So I just walked her to school instead.  It was a nice day, no big deal.  My sister picked her up for me and brought her home.  (Thank you, Lauren!)  I found out I locked them in my car that evening.

Thursday comes along.  I bring Madison to school, no big deal.  Lily falls asleep in the car as I bring her so I have to bring her in smoothly and quietly.  Somehow... I was so smooth and quiet concentrating on her that my keys got lost somewhere in the process.  And it also happens to be the one day I'm running late to pick Madison up, so when I go to grab my keys?  Not there.  I flip out.  I had a mental breakdown.  I screamed.  I cried.  I kicked the shit out of a decorative box I keep stuff in next to my big armchair in the living room.  I was a psychopath.  Like, seriously.  If anyone saw me they would have called the crazy van to take me away.  I once again call Lauren, this time sobbing.  "Lauren!  I'm having a mental breakdown!  I can't find my fucking keys again!  I have to pick up Madison!"  Once again my darling sister grabs Madison for me.  We literally walk in the house afterwards and I see my keys sticking out from underneath the chair in my living room.  I looked under it five times.  I must have been in such a blind rage that I completely didn't see it.  Way to go me.

Lily playing with the keys I lost.

So, Lily is sick right now.  She's got a really bad ear infection and bronchitis.  She's not very happy with life right now, but she's still a great happy little girl.  Madison wasn't that pleased that our day revolved around what Lily needed.  She was a spaz.  It was one of those days that made the idea of drinking heavily seem like a great idea.  That's a great idea mommy?  Drinking heavily is a great idea?  Is it a great idea?  I think it's a great idea mommy.

Today is my friend PT's birthday.  For her birthday I made her a meatcake.  If you're wondering what a meatcake is, go to this website and read up on it.  We've taken this and made it so many more levels of awesome it's not even funny.  We are currently hanging out in the mancave and eating cupcakes.  I -wanted- to go out for dinner, but unfortunately the one time my kid gets sick is on her birthday.  Sorry PT!  ... ilu.

\

New Beginnings. Kittens and Resolutions.

Never in my life have I ever used the phrase, "Ohh, look at that cute kitten!  I want to throw him out the god damned window!!"  Well, at least before the past few weeks.  

These are our cats.  Ramus is the big brown guy.  He's 24 pounds.  He's not fat.  He's just -big.-  He's three years old and he's our big boy.  He was never mean, but he wasn't very friendly.  He -flipped- his shit when my sister brought her cat Tucker over to see how they'd do.  We almost had to get rid of him he got so bad.  So, when I found these kittens in my backyard, I was upset since I thought there'd be issues.

Ramus -loves- these kittens.  I mean, at first he didn't.  He hissed.  He pee'd a few times on the carpet to let them know that this house was his.  But now?  The only reason that these kittens are still in my house is because now we fear that he'd be devistated and be depressed that they left.  He has adopted these two little kittens to be his.

The one on the left looking over at Mike is Tali.  She has seven toes on each paw.  Huzzah, two extra claws on each paw to scratch up my furniture.  The cat looking down at the floor planning his escape from being around people is Scrappy.  Scrappy doesn't like people.  He's not mean to them.  He doesn't bite or scratch or anything.  He's absolutely terrified.  Every time he looks at us he has these insane crazy eyes that look adorable, yet like he's going to have a heart attack.  I think he needs some kitty xanax.

But I'm sure you didn't come here to hear about my cats.

... Don't you hate those times where you find yourself sitting in a messy house, one child in school the other napping, and instead of cleaning, you're sitting on the floor of your living room eating chicken wings that had been out since the evening prior watching sesame street?  ... Am I the only one?

FML.

Resolutions for 2012:

• Stop eating crap.  ... Let's ignore the fact I just mentioned eating a plate of chicken wings that have been out since last night.  Or, at least minimize the amount of crap I eat.  Let's not get crazy here.  I mean, juicers and vitamins aren't in my near future.  Hell no.
• Spend less money.  My husband will appreciate this one.  Though, when he finds out how much it's going to cost to -really- finish my basement he might shit himself.  I envision having 2 bathrooms in my house though at the end of this.  That... that is priceless.
• Write.  Write everything.  Work on my novel.  Blog.  People tell me I should write a children's novel, but I would want to collab with someone that can draw.  I don't know anyone that can draw that has time.
• Take more pictures.  Take lots of pictures.  I usually upload pictures to facebook, but I think I'm going to start an online photo album and upload -everything- I take.  This is something my dad should do.  He has years and years of photos that he doesn't show anybody.  (It's about time, Jerry!)
• Invent the hovercraft.

Some of these resolutions work for me.  Not all, of course.  For example, number one.  I obviously don't give a crap if you don't wanna read what I wanna post!  De-friend is your friend.  

I leave you all with this:

Starting Over

So, I keep hearing about how I should write.  Apparently, the world thinks I'm hilarious and I really don't know why.  But- here I am.  Blog attempt number two.  I've taken my old blog that I had on this page and moved it to here. That won't be updated anymore though.  New fresh start!

I've also registered this under its own special domain name. 

www.this-is-my-life.net

You should save it.  Huzzah~

If you're wondering why I moved the old one, it's secretly because I feel guilty that sometimes months, even years passed by inbetween some of those posts.  I don't want people to think that I'm a flake.  ... though I'm sure they'll certainly find out.

First -real- post coming soon.  After I tackle the mountain of laundry in my basement and put clothing on my currently naked children.