On Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

So I've noticed that people have been looking at me... different.  I don't know why, maybe it's the plethora of things I've done to transform myself over the past few months to attempt to be the woman that I want to be.  The things I've done for me, not for anyone else.  Chopping my hair off because I don't give a fuck if someone thinks I look like a lesbian, since I hate hair on the back of my neck in the summer.  The nose piercing I got that I've wanted since I was thirteen years old.

There were so many things I had waited for when I was younger.  "When I turn eighteen..."  Since that was the age, right?  The age where you can do it all?  I still wasn't a woman when I was eighteen.  I wasn't my own person.  I didn't start to hit that until recently.  I do what I think is beautiful and if someone doesn't like it... I fail to see how that's my problem.  I had a friend back then that I unfortunately don't speak to much anymore, but I remember him and I would talk about all of the things I wanted to do.  We were on AOL chat and I was upset that I had bought a pair of neon pink leopard print pants and my mother was insanely against them.  They looked good on me, but they were 'weird' and therefore, I wasn't allowed to wear them.  I remember he said to me, "Scoobs- I can't wait until you turn eighteen."  I was supposed to transform into the punk rock awesome tatted pierced thing that I'm starting to turn into today.  And no- I'm not just getting a bunch of shit on me for the hell of it.  I get what's important.  I've been itching for some more ink, but without the perfect idea I won't touch it.  It took me almost ten years after my eighteenth birthday to gather the courage to finally pierce my nose, something I wanted to do since I was twelve.

Meda, my leading lady
of 13 years.

My latest... idea... would be just for me.  A tattoo somewhere that no one would see it (other than my husband, naturally.)  And I want it to say "Let Your Freak Flag Fly."  Whatever that may be for anyone- I think it's something that we should all be proud of and embrace.  If Madison ever tells me she wants to wear neon pink leopard print pants?  YOU GO GIRL!  Wear those pants.  And when the fashion statement is over and done with ten years from then, we'll take the picture album out and show your boyfriends.  I want my daughters to be strong, independent women.  I want to teach them that it's ok not to be normal.  Because I have -never- been 'normal.'  And I'm just now finally coming to actual terms with it.  Everyone knew it.  I just... wanted people to like me.  To fit in.  But you know what?  I love my nose.  I love my tattoos.  I love playing my fantasy games where I RP a Mother Gothel look alike crazy woman that raises the dead and has an addiction to vivisection.

But I want balance- at the same time I don't want them to think that just because I'm not 'normal' they can't do typical things.  They wanna... be cheerleaders, or sports players or... popular girls.  Go for it.  Just be kind, be truthful and be awesome.  I have this... vision in my head of how I want my relationship to be with my girls and it seems extremely hard and probably unattainable, but I'm going to damn well try to find the perfect balance between being their parent and being their friend... and meanwhile, supporting them without driving them to snort coke.  Is this possible?  I hope so.

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
                 -Dr. Seuss