So when I first had Madison, I went out to lunch with an old friend, baby with me. Madison usually ended up being the centerpiece at a table in her little travel carseat (which was blue and yellow so I constantly had people telling me what a handsome little boy I had). And I remember being there at this lunch and... not much of importance was talked about but they said one thing to me that highly offended me then and has stuck with me to this day... lingering in my mind like a virus.
"Motherhood strips your entire sense of identity."
Yup, me. I was 23, a brand new mother and only a few months in at such a young age apparently I was stripped of all identity. And being told it bluntly to my face none the less. Maybe my sense of style (though I never had much of one) had gone down the drain in favor of spit-up stained shirts and stretch pants. Any free moment I used to once spend with friends now spent asleep or enjoying some much wanted and needed silence. To this day I often enjoy my time spent alone and rarely get out to see friends, feeling more awkward in a crowd than comfortable. I was alone back then... no friends or comrades that were experiencing the same thing as me. And that was my choice... I wanted to be a young mother. I wanted to have all of my children before I hit 30. But still. ... My identity was stripped?
The past two nights I've been up all night long sitting at my TV watching Dr. Who. Imagining a life of excitement in the universe. The show is amazing (despite the fact I hate Martha) and I can't get enough of it. While Madison is out and Lily is distracted today I might even get an episode or two in. So... in a lot of these episodes they're gone one night- have a lifetime of adventures and can pop back into reality the next day. If... somehow a british alien Doctor came into NJ and swept me off my feet, taking me to travel the universe... I could leave the kids and husband for one night and go see so many things. Come back after having the time of my life... get right back to work... could I?
Could I leave for that long? Sure it's only seconds to them, but... I'd miss them all so much. Maybe a daytrip here and there would be fun to unwind, but actually picking up and living a different life... even if no one would ever know.
I -love- the life I've chosen for myself. Maybe I'm not nearly as fun as I used to be, but I'm starting to finally find people that like and appreciate me for what I've become. I can tell someone 'long day- exhausted' despite the fact that I hardly even left the house and they get it. Do I sometimes dream about a life where I can... be in tons of pictures on facebook of me hugging my insanely huge group of friends... or eating at some exotic restaurant in another country (or another time)... of course I do. But- ... even if no one would ever be the wiser, I couldn't give all this up. I'd miss it too much.
So, maybe I'm not fun anymore and all I've got interesting going for me are intense Dr. Who marathons and awesome Sunday evenings spent with the few friends from my past I've got left- but fuck it. It's awesome. I haven't lost a thing. I get to see my girls grow and watch them climb every little hill. And when they're all grown up and don't have time for me anymore? Well- hey. I'll be much younger than anyone else when they're at that stage. And it'll never be too late to start having my adventures.
And yet- despite the fact I know I love my life and things won't always be like this... it still lingers. "Motherhood strips all sense of identity." I'll still have my days where I feel like I'm missing out. I think most of my blog entries are about it. ... Even unposted ones that are in my 'private' folder (I haven't been completely inactive, just no one needs to see me whine and complain). ... so I guess those are the days where Mike yells at me for staying up until 4:30 in the morning watching a new show. Excitement is few and far between sometimes. Gotta take it where I can get it. :)
